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for you..

its been awhile since ive last been able to post.. ive been left alone again but, this time i found something different in the place of being lost.. my friends have been a bit worried.. i am a bit more scarred than the last time you have seen me and a bit more cautious.. maybe this time things are gonna be more on my side than last time.. i seem to have drifted again.. going further away from some of my "friends" that like to drag me down.. well hopefully today will be as good as yesterday but maybe a little more productive..

For Alex, My Love

Ohne Dich

Ich verbrenne für dich
Ich kann nicht atmen ohne dich
Du vergibst weil du liebst
Ich falle für dich
Kann nicht mehr aufstehn ohne dich
Du verstehst weil du lebst
Was ist die sonne ohne dein licht
Was ist ein bild ohne dein gesicht
Ich hab das leben verflucht
Allein zu leben versucht
Doch es geht nicht
Ohne dich kann ich nicht frei sein
Endlos high sein
Ohne dich bin ich allein
Ohne dich kann ich nicht fliegen
Ohne dich endlos lieben
Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein
Ich erwache für dich
Ich kann nichts spürn ohne dich
Du befreist du verzeihst
Ich ertrinke in dir
Spür deinen pulsschlag tief in mir
Du verstehst weil du lebst
Ich bete zu gott dass es nie endet
Dass dein feuer mich ewig blendet
Ich vermiss dich zähle jede sekunde
Ohne deine gnade geh ich zugrunde


I burn for you
I can't breath without you
You forgive because you love
I fall for you
I can no longer stand up without you
You understand because you love

What is the sun without your light
What is a picture without your face
I have cursed life
I have tried to live alone
But I can't

Without you I can't be free
Without you I can't be endlessly high
Without you I am alone
Without you I can't fly
Without you I can't endlessly love
Without you I cannot be

I awake for you
I can't feel anything without you
You liberate you forgive
I drown in you
I feel your heart beat deep in me
You understand because you love

I pray to God that this never ends
That your fire will dazzle me forever
I miss you, I count every second
Without your mercy I will go under


dear daddy

Simple Plan


Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect


HAPPY New Years

I finally got the guy of my dreams i only hope that i can make him truly happy.. wish me luck.. this video is for you baby..



I am a Master, yet a Slave..
I am a Lover, yet i am alone..
I am alone, yet never alone..
I am one, yet I am many..
I am all these thing, but me..

I am a Master, yet a Slave.. means i am my own person, yet i have no control

I am a Lover, yet i am alone.. means i once loved the world, until it turned its back on me

I am alone, yet never alone.. means
i may be alone on the physical plain but not in the astral

I am one, yet I am many..
i am one person, but i am many different things...

I am all these thing, but me.. means i am scared of letting the true me surface, for fear of humanity

all together the puzzle is solved, the puzzle is solved



to old friends..

i would want to see you again..yes.. but i always see trouble not to far behind.. for once i am actually picked up a lot of pieces that used to be my life.. but there is a dreaded downfall as well; fun isnt in my vocab anymore...the things i used to enjoy no longer exist.. i feel like i am dying inside and im all alone.. i trusted you and i guess i was a cheap laugh for everyone.. am i supposed to pour my heart out to you only to be left broken.., my heart is confetti and i cant stop crying knowing it is my fault that you cant love me, that we cant make it, that i am sick and will die early...but it still remains that, i love you more than you will ever know and i cant stop it....but i cant be around when all i feel is dead.. i dont even want to be around my family anymore.. people just pushed me too far.....and no, i no longer care, all i feel is pain and it hurts to breathe.. to know that i am alive.. to open my eyes, so see the sun in the sky.. all things that let you know you are still trapped.. well you were right i am very hated these days.. my dad wants to put me in the asylum, mom can barely help herself, grandma thinks i need serious help.. no one listens anymore.. no one cares....why should they?

Im sorry that i could never let you in...to tell you everything.. but you are one that i trusted and will love forever...all i got from it was to be broken again.. In just wish i knew how to make you happy.. how to make you stay.. to not hurt me again.. It was really sick and fucked up how you told me that you loved me, that you broke up with her, tell ppl we are back together...make me believe that until it comes to the day the truth comes out.. and you rip whats left of my heart and begin stabbing it with rusty nails.. i try so hard to take care of it all but i cant figure out what to do so it ends up right..

im sorry im not perfect, or what you wanted.. im sorry i am crazy, and im not beautiful.. that im not rich and i can give you everything in the world.. but i can say that i was honest and i meant it when i said i would love you until the day i died.. i just wish you did, and you would show me out of my own darkness..

I will love you forever.. no matter what i say i can never stop loving you.. being here without you is killing me inside.. I cry everyday wishing you would call or walk through the door and hold me before i break to pieces..

I wanted to live my life with you..
I wanted to know the feeling of being loved by someone who wont hurt you..
I wanted to know what a home felt like..
I wanted to be able to smile like i once could..
I wanted to make someone else happy and love them, be with them forever..
I wanted to see life, without the pain..
I want you to hold me and never let go..
I want you to love me and never give up..
I want to be with you for the rest of my life..

I guess i wanted too much, so that is why i am alone...all alone.. only the darkness is my friend now..so guess im not alone after all..

Remember me how i was, not how i am now.. im nearly beyond help..



Smile Empty Soul Video

This is my life in a handbasket...


letting the inner thoughts surface..

Now that you have seen the nice side of me, it is about time to let the dark side reveal itself.. you don't like me, fuck you.. love me or hate me...remember the choice is the same with you. i am a skitzo that loves pain and to see pain, so just let me introduce you to it, I am a sick twisted faggot with a crooked smile, don't worry i wont bite....hard.. I am searching for another like me to show new heights of this fuckt world, I will become world known one day, as well as remembered.. i am in search of my king...could you be him? I am a sin, I am an Addiction...one taste and you will be hooked, i can show you bliss and exstacy in the blink of an eye and the world in a grain of sand.. are you willing to loose everything to gain everything...i am, who is going with me? grab my hand and lets go..
The one i seek hides amongst us.. is it you? is it someone you know? tell me soon and let my nearly 9 years of searching end? Humanity is a cancer, a virus...a plague of mind-controlled maggots that have sucked all the happiness a long time ago.. now on the cold hard ground i can see the truth with out the fake plastic world that other tend to live in these days.. clouded by their blinded eyes.. refusing to see the decrepit world we truly live in..
One day i shall find the one that calls to me from the dark, whose cries carry with the oncoming breeze.. one day i will soothe the pain and show you a new side.. never believe someone that says trust me its for your own good.. believe the ones that have been there.. and even though you have forgotten how to fly.. i am ready to show you the way.. all i ask is for you to help find me..
one day soon,
one day i will show you everything,
one day everything will be different,
one day you will remember,
one day you will smile without the pain,
one day i will find you, and i will guide you home..

where are you?


The reason i am always empty inside..


In the middle of 1984 My mother found out that she was expecting triplets...She was thrilled although three babies was a lot for anyone to become too exited about.. Later into the pregnancy near November, During an ultrasound they only saw two babies, not three.. The doctor told her that the third one had passed away and was no longer visible.. My parents were sad to have lost one, but they were still having twins.. She went to term with us and on February 19th at 12:57AM in 1985, My brother Richard Joseph was born weighing 7 lbs and 8 ounces.. I followed in next on February 20th at 1:13AM.. Richard and I were nearly identical, but I was born with black hair and dark eyes...He was born with a silvery blonde hair and bright blue eyes..


We went home within 12 hours of being alive.. On February, 24th...It wasn't three days when during our nap when mom came to check on us, she found us curled up together and ice cold.. We were rushed to the hospital within minutes we were alive and breathing again like nothing ever happened.. The doctor had us on check for the next 3 hours and since nothing changed were allowed to go back home..
At home, I wouldn't let Richard out of my sight and I would cry until they brought him back to me.. I knew something was going to happen, I knew I was going to loose my brother.. That next afternoon, when we were laid in the crib to take a nap.. Richard asphyxiated on a large amount of spit up.. The moment that his heart stopped I fell into a coma.. I spent the next two months in the (NICU) Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.. A week into the coma, the doctor told my mom that I was heartbroken and I didn't have the will to fight what ever it was off.. My mom cried and became really depressed because she thought she had lost all of us.. my parents continued with each heart breaking day at my incubator hoping that I would come back..
Six weeks into the coma, my heart stopped for a total of six minutes before it started up again and i cried for the first time in so long..

when i was a newborn my heart stopped 6mins, when i was 7 years old it stopped over 10mins and i was in a coma for 4 months. when i was 9 i tried to commit suicide and it stopped 8mins before i was revived, at 17 my heart stopped for the record for over 15mins and i woke up on my own in the morgue, when i was 19 my heart stopped 5mins before i was revived again.. that was in a massive seizure..
My heart has stopped almost 50mins in my 22 years of life..
i've spent nearly a year of my life in a coma, yet i still breathe.. i still go on.. and i am still teaching..that is why i have had many tell me it is an honor to know me..
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Whether You Are Homosexual Or Not, You Should Repost This In Support Of Your Friends And Loved Ones Who Are. Love is not defined by color, creed, or gender.

I AM the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I AM the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday

I AM the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I AM the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I AM the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

WE ARE the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I AM the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I AM the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I AM not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

WE ARE the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I AM the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I AM the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I AM the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I AM the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I AM the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I AM the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I AM the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me.

I AM the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I AM a warrior for my country serving proud, but can't be my true self because gays aren't allowed in the military.

I AM the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I AM the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

I AM the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson."

This is the boy, Matthew Shepard. On October 7, 1998 Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson lead him to a remote area east of Laramie where they demonstrated unimaginable acts of hate. Matthew was tied to a split-rail fence where he was beaten and left to die in the cold of the night. Almost 18 hours later he was found by a cyclist who initially mistook him for a scarecrow. Matthew died on October 12 at 12:53 am at a hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado. KILLED BECAUSE HE WAS GAY!!!



It is just sad that in such a modern world there is still so much hate and fear...i am not hurting anyone...neither are any of my other gay friends....we are not scary...evil....sick...nor deranged...we are humans with the capacity to love...i would call that quite normal.

Created By: Geoffrey H. Dubea

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